


It Must Be Tonight, Save Me Tonight

by DianaFrobisher



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe - College/University, Depression, Eventual Romance, Family Issues, Friendship/Love, James is very protective, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Recovery, Remus is Awesome, Self-Harm, Sirius' family is evil, So many song and band references, Suicidal Thoughts, University is in Switzerland, no magic, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-21
Updated: 2016-02-24
Packaged: 2018-04-10 10:57:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 15,545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4389140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DianaFrobisher/pseuds/DianaFrobisher
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is the story of Sirius, the neglected first son of the prestigious Black family and his journey though life as he enters university with a new unknown roommate. </p><p>The story of the secret war behind his face that may end up killing him.</p><p>The story of a boy who needs much more help then he'll ever admit to anyone, even himself. </p><p>And finally, the story of the one person who doesn't believe the mask he puts on and does everything in his power to help. </p><p>College AU, no magic, set in Switzerland.<br/>I hope you enjoy! I have been wanting to write this for a long time. </p><p>WARNING!  This story contains a character fighting with depression, suicidal thoughts and other things. May be triggering so please be careful.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Break Away

There's always been something about the open road that has cleared my twisted thoughts. I'm not entirely sure why, possibly the solitude or the knowledge that there is absolutely no one that I need to put any sort of face on for. Whatever the reason, even with the warm summer rain pounding down on my goggles and bike, I feel a little more at ease than I did before I began this small 'holiday'.

Now the reason I put it like that? Well, it's a long story, and one that I prefer not to dwell on in fear of pulling out my hair. Which considering I am currently on what some people consider a two wheeled death machine in the rain flying through the sinuous Swiss mountain roads running between the long journey from Winterthur in the north to Lugano in the south it might not be advisable to pull my hands from the bars at thus given moment. Of course at this moment I am still heading east towards St. Gallen taking all the less travelled paths that would extend my journey even further. Technically the trip going directly from Winterthur to Lugano would take around three hours, I needed much more.

In fact, I needed about 12 days. That's how long I have in between the summer and fall sessions before I'm able to return to my school. University now I guess considering I graduated the 'prep school' part of the school and am now attending the even more prestigious Swiss accredited university. Even with the extra time taken out I think I'll still end up going over to Geneva unless I find some town with a particularly nice river or something like that to stay in for a few extra days.

I still don't understand why exactly I need to leave the school between the sessions, it's quite inconvenient for me. They can do it though, nothing that I can do to change that. Some of the best minds attend my school, or at least that is what the school bored boast to prospective students and parents when they want a particular diplomat or in some cases royal family member to enrol. They also have some of the richest kids, and those don't really need intelligence to excel. If you want to be technical about it, I could easily be grouped with those students. My parents were quite rich. The old money of the Black family has only gown in stature as time has progressed. This is why I am able to buy a motorbike and take a trip alone though a foreign country that I have already lived and studied in for the past two years without even putting a scratch in my bank account.

When my parents informed me that they didn't want me to come back with my younger brother once again the told me that they put and extra 10,000 CHF into my account. To them this was pocket change. Hush money. So that I didn't let slip that I didn't have the choice to return home, so that their friends in high places wouldn't question the absence of the Black's oldest son.

"Oh we let me go on holiday around Switzerland" sounds much better than "we don't want our son home because we despise the sight of him and everything he stands for."

No, that wouldn't be an acceptable way to present yourself. To them it's better to send me away then deal with me. They even had my younger brother Regulus, the only one who cared for me in the slightest, apply to Cambridge so that he wouldn't be near me anymore. Too afraid I'd influence him in some way. More than ever their actions make me believe that love isn't possible if they can't even love their own son.

All these thoughts make me turn my face down slightly and roll the throttle just a bit more than what is considered safe as I sweep around yet another tight corner. I feel my rear tire spin and I have to compensate so the bike doesn't spin out from under me entirely. At least this stops my mind. I have found that one of the most violent, even deadly, things in the world for me is silence. It makes it so my thoughts are able to parade freely, which is often not the best thing.

_Only twelve more days, then I'll be back in my single dorm at Hogwarts. James and Petter will be in their own quarters near mine a couple of days later and I'll be able to resume my charade with the distraction of my only two friends. Just twelve days._

The next twelve days pass virtually the same way. I spend three going down to Lugano. I find some place to stay, wander the city or town, retest back to the room I rented with my headphones and notebook, then leave the next day and repeat in another town. I stop on the forth day along the rocky bank of one of the crisp rivers and dive into the freezing water for an hour or so before moving on. I didn't pack much, only what I could fit in the compartment under my seat and my backpack. This consisted of a couple of black pants, a few long sleeves, a DropDead(my absolute favourite clothing brand made by the lead singers of one of my favourite bands) button down(Flunk shirt), a black scarf, my favourite DropDead jacket and jumper, my box, my charger, new phone, Bose headphones, my notebook, pens, passport, a large sum of CHF and Euros since I didn't want to bring my bank card, and lastly my camera with a couple of extra lenses and batteries. These took up the majority of the space in my small compartment, but it didn't matter to me because they were worth it. Besides, my jacket and jumper fit in well with it, the rest could be crammed into my luckily waterproof backpack. My riding gear kept the water out pretty good as well. Lucky of me the worst of the weather was on the first day. The rest of my possessions were in a storage unit by the school, including my other phone that people had the number to.

I don't know why I wanted to be left alone on this trip, I just did. I didn't have it in my to face others at the moment. Though I know my parents despise me, the have made it quite clear from the foul words and rough hands, it still bring a bit of displeasure to me every time they demonstrate it yet again. So I decided that I would be alone for a bit. Go to places where no one knew my name or face. Be a ghost. So far it was working our quite well.

The days passed more quickly that I expected and before I realised it I was parked in front of the villa entry (turned office) of Hogwarts University.

The school building consisted of a couple of old mansions/villas that were renovated slightly and transformed to classrooms and offices. Only the grand libraries remain mainly intact which I am extremely thankful for. Our dormitories are all old apartment buildings that were either bought or built within 20 minutes walking distance of the main villa. There were only four and you were essentially sorted by an extremely long questionnaire that was sent out and revised before you came to the campus. You stayed in that building, or house, your entire stay. I enjoyed mine, Gryffindor, because it was backed up against the woods and they had plenty if single rooms. The school only had a maximum of 800 students attending a single given time, 200 for the uni-prep and 600 for the actual university. Any more than that and they'd have to expand. I was happy it was small.

As I push open the heavy oak door to the office to retrieve my keys to my house and mailbox I see the always chipper face of whatever student is occupying that chair. I don't know how they all always look so darn happy. Actually, that's not true, I have been putting on a mask for others for as long as I can remember, I assume that others do the same. It seems like most people are genuinely happy though which slightly annoys me. Why can't I be like that? I give this girl my name and house she sorts through papers. Once she finds my tag and flips to the appropriate page I can see that there is a large post-it in the middle.

"Oh, I'm sorry Mr Black. It seems like there was a mix up and you will be receiving a roommate this year. The note says that professor Dumbledore is very sorry for the mix up, but that you should remember that all bedrooms are separate" she explained to me. I do my best to hide the fact that this thought terrifies me and reply with a small smile, "that's okay sweetie, nothing can be done. Thank you for your assistance."

I sign for the keys and get it of there as quickly as possible with still being polite. I have never had a roommate. Not even James or Peter! There were too many things that I want to keep secret and on top of that I liked my privacy! I liked being alone. I try to remind myself of Dumbledore's words as I make the short drive to my dorm. I'm shaking as I put my things together in my duffle bag and turn to the building.

_What if he's terrible? Or just rude? Or worse, invasive? What if he finds out? Then what happens?_

I nearly drop all of my stuff as I enter the outside door. I make it to the lift, my rooms are on the 6th floor which happens to be the top, at least I'll have a balcony. Hopefully the lift doesn't break too many times this term, form what I have hard though it does happen at least a few times every term. I'm still slightly shaking and biting down hard on the inside of my cheek the entire ride up.

Once I get to my room I see that my boxes have already been placed just inside of the open door. Just as I'm stepping in I see another boy emerge from the bedroom in the far right corner. He's taller than me with scruffy light brown hair and fringe that nearly covers his grey-green eyes entirely. He's in a slightly shabby suit, so not from money then. He must be very intelligent to have gotten a scholarship good enough to make this school affordable to him. As I'm taking in his appearance he notices me standing in the doorway among my boxes and smiles.

"Well, hello there. My name is Lupin," he said as he walks toward outstretching his hand in the process, "Remus Lupin."

I finally catch myself and take his hand, "Sirius, it's nice to meet you," and then I really look at him up close for the first time. He has a few small scars scattered about his face, but the don't do his features any harm. In fact they may make him appear even more attractive, if that is even possible. My eyes widen as I realise what I just thought.

_Well, shit._


	2. I'll Fake All I Want

I stand there, most likely with some stupid expression on my face, wondering how in the fucking bloody hell had I allowed myself to think like that about someone. I can’t have that kind of relationship. Friends? That’s fine, anything more and it would be too complicated, especially considering that he’s my roommate! What the hell am I thinking, I need to shut up that side of my brain, thats final. I can’t let anybody get that close. Period. James and Peter may think that they know everything about me after 2 years as friends, but I keep some things quite well hidden. But keeping stuff like…that hidden from a partner? Much too difficult for me, that can’t happen.

 

_**Like he’d even fancy you, you idiot. How could that happen? You’re alone, and you always will be.** _

 

_Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!_

 

_I hate these shadows my mind, they can make my head pound without actually having a headache.. Why does it do this to me. It’s like it’s its own entity, completely separate from ‘me’. Why can’t I just have normal, non self destructive thoughts? Why do I have t-_

 

Before I can continue my train of thought there is a sound that interrupts it.

 

“Hmm. Sorry. What was that?” I say looking back up at the beautiful -stop it- boy that has just said something to me.

 

“I was asking if you needed help getting anything up? I’ve already got all my things, so I thought I’d help with yours if you needed any,” he says, still giving me a slightly confused look.

 

“Oh, no,” I begin, “that’s not necessary, all of my things should have already been brought up by the storage company this morning. This,” I say swinging my duffle bag around me shoulder for him to get a clear view of, “is the only thing that I had left. It was what I took with me on my trip.”

 

"Thats cool. Where did you go, if I may ask that is," he adds sheepishly. 

 

"I just traveled around Switzerland on my bike for a bit just to clear my mind really. I had the time before classes started up again and I couldn't stay here so I figured why not?"

 

"Bike? As in bicycle?"

 

I laugh, "god no! I couldn't cary this thing on a bicycle, much too much effort for me. I have a motorbike, the little black beauty is out in the lot now," I smile proudly. 

 

He laughs at my enthusiasm, this does a great deal to relax me and it seems to have the same affect on him as well seeing as he moves to lean agains the edge of our small kitchen's counter.  

 

_I could easily become friends with this guy. He seems so genuine._

 

 **_Like he'd want to be friends with yo_ ** _\- shut up!_

 

I do my best to quickly pull myself from my thoughts yet again and turn my attention back to Remus. 

 

"What's so funny?" I ask deciding to play with him a bit. 

 

"Oh nothing much," he says, still smiling, "you just seem to be in love with you motorbike is all."

 

"Hey," I say, feigning hurt but doing a purposefully transparent job of it, "there's nothing wrong with my love for Baby!"

 

He burst out laughing again, "Baby? Really, my gosh thats priceless!" 

 

"I'll take that as a compliment," I tell him as I let a careless grin seep into my features. It's so easy to feel happy around him.

 

"You can take it that way all you'd like," he tells me, "it's slightly.. endearing? Ya that's the correct way to describe it. Like a kid naming all of their stuffed animals," he tells me with a joking smile.

 

"Mr. Wiffeles the elephant would be offended with your tone," I tell him. This causes him to laugh yet again. 

 

"Mr. Wiffeles? My goodness the names you come up with are perfect." 

 

"Baby's a common one to my knowledge. I was much more original as a small child, just ask Reiyoki the cat."

 

"Now that's a good one! I would consider naming a cat that."

 

"She was quite a fabulous cat, I figured she deserved a name to fit that," I pause, "well now that we've got the important stuff out of the way, how was your holiday?"

 

He gives a slight laugh at my drastic change in conversation before answering, "I just spent it working and then packing. My family and I didn't have the opportunity to go on a proper holiday. It was nice to get to spend the time with them before I left. It's just the three of us, I'm an only child, so I think that I was a bit spoiled as a child." 

 

 

"I see," I say, "well they sound like they are nice parents so it's nice that you are able to get to spend the time with them." 

 

“Ya it was," he pauses like he is contemplating saying something, but he's not sure if he should or not, "I may be a bit out of bounds here since I just met you," he says cautiously before continuing, "but why didn’t you just go back with your family?” 

 

_Shit, I was hoping that this wouldn't come up. Think, quick._

 

“I uh-" I stumble forgetting where I was going and then starting again, "They were going on holiday to.. Florida! I really didn’t feel like going, I’m not really a fan of the weather there and I’d just seen them anyways. Plus they said that it would be fine if I stayed,” I say quickly, probably a bit too quickly. But if Remus noticed then he's nice enough to pretend that he didn't.

 

"I haven't been, but I've been told it's a fantastic place to spend a holiday."

 

“So people keep telling me, I don’t know though, I don’t really think you’re missing out on anything. I much prefer here anyways. Much better scenery, nicer weather, clean water, beautiful forests, what’s not to like?” I say trying to divert the topic a bit. I take to opportunity to finally set my bag down and move over to the small sofa.

 

“I wouldn’t know,” he says, “I just got here today and all I saw was the airport at Zurich, the train stations and the car up.”

 

“Really! You’ve never been before?”

 

“Well, my parents never had much money for traveling and I was basically only able to go here with the scholarship that they gave me, so this is my first time,” he tells me a bit shyly.

 

“Well then,” I say getting up again, “we must rectify this. It’s only noon now. How do you feel about going for a trip? I’ll show you around some of my favourite places.”

 

He lifts his eyes to meet mine again, “oh no, I couldn’t ask you to do that.”

 

“Don’t be silly, it’s nothing. I don’t have anything else to do and neither do you since you said all your stuff is already up. We can make it worth while, on the way back we’ll do the shopping, sound good?” I ask then remember to add, “oh and the trip is on me.”

 

His eyes widen a bit, “I couldn’t possibly let you pay for all tha-"

 

I cut him off, “yes you can. My family is loaded, I could buy both of us an entire new wardrobe from Burberry and it wouldn’t even put a dent in my account. I think that I can handle playing for a friend.”

 

“Friend?” he asks.

 

“Yes, well that is if you’d like? We are sharing a room together and you seem like a nice person, I think it could work. As long as that’s okay with you?”

 

“Of course it is,” he smiles and I swear it makes the room a couple of shades brighter, “okay then, when would you like to go?”

 

“Just a sec,” I say pulling out my phone and clicking on the SBB app, “I’ll check the train schedule… it looks like there is a train leaving at- 12:22 so just under half an hour.”

 

“Train? Where are we going?”

 

“Zurich, much more fun there,” I put on my best grin and he seems to flush a bit, “we can take my bike down to the station and leave it there, walking would take too long. I’ll go empty out this bag so we have something to put stuff in, sound good?”

 

“On your motorbike?”

 

“Please, call her Baby. And yes,” I say then add after looking at the slightly apprehensive look on his face, “don’t worry, it’s safe. And I’ll be extra careful, it’s only a couple minutes to the station.”

 

“Okay,” he says after a little bit of internal deliberation, “I’ll trust you. Go easy on me though, I have never been on a motorbike before.”

 

“Will do!” I say jumping up from the couch, “I’ll go dump this stuff on my bed and get the other helmet, be right back.”

 

I get up and head to the door opposite the one Remus was standing in when I came in. As I opened it I saw that all my matching black luggage was already in there as I thought it would be. I go over to one of the bigger ones and fetch the spare helmet from it before zipping open my bag and emptying it contents onto the small double bed. Well here it goes, I think to myself, don’t fuck this friendship up.

 

_**Like it’s possible for you not to fuck it up, that’s what you do.** _

 

I pull at my hair a bit and catch myself whispering ‘no’ under my breath repeatably before my thoughts subside and I pull myself together again.

 

I quickly peel off the slightly dirty shirt I’m wearing from my ride and throw on the new DropDead Downer Shirt before I fish around for my wallet and umbrella and throw them in the now empty bag. I take a deep breath just to prepare my facade before I walk back out to Remus holding up the helmet, “Ready?” I ask.

 

“As I’ll ever be I suppose,” he replies and we head out the door.

 

When he sees Baby he lets out a sigh of relief and says, “Oh thank god it’s not one of those loud ones.”

 

“You mean Harley's?” he nods, “don’t worry, those aren’t my style, I prefer to have more power and attract less attention. With how quickly I drive sometimes it’s better that way I think. I’d rather fly through silently then try to force people to notice me. Just a personal preference of mine.”

 

“Good to hear. Those ones make my ears hurt, our neighbor had one when I was growing up and it would always wake me when he got back at one in the morning. It got quite frustrating,” then he gets this big grin on his face and continues, “this one time I rented this amplifier, pointed it out my open window and set off the fog horn sound at 3am, 5am, and 7am. It was great, he somehow never figured out it was me. I think he though I was too quite of a person to come up with it,” he giggled, literally giggled.

 

_This guy is just way too cute._

 

**_And you’ll never have him you freak._ **

 

“You know,” I say, still trying to recover from my thoughts, “I don’t think I would have through you to be capable of that either. Now I’ll be sure not to do anything to annoy you, I might wake up to a room covered in post-it notes or without any gas Baby or... something.”

 

He laughs at this, “You’re right, must be careful around me. I’m soooo dangerous,” he says, his voice positively dripping with sarcasm as he takes the helmet from me, “so, umm..how exactly do you work the fastening?”

 

“Here, just let me do it for you, then you can watch me do mine and figure it out for next time, we need to be getting to the station before our train leaves,” I say taking it from him again and helping him with it. I stow my bag under the seat, hop on, and start up the bike, “I hope you’re okay with holding onto me.”

 

“I think I can manage,” he tells me as he gets on and tentatively wraps his arms around my waist. That changes when we actually start moving, then he is holding on for dear life. After a couple of minutes he relaxes, of course we are almost to the station by that point and by the time he is really relaxed and possibly even enjoying himself we are parked and getting off the bike.

 

“Not to traumatic I hope?” I ask as I stow our helmets and retrieve the bag.

 

“You know, after I got used to the feeling it was quite enjoyable, I can understand how you find that fun. Still far too dangerous for me, I have enough scars as it is. I don't need to get more from me trying to learn to ride a motorbike. You seem like a safe driver though, I don't mind riding with you.”

 

I cringe a bit, “They aren’t bad,” I tell him, "and thanks."

 

“You're welcome, but yes they are. I have just gotten used to them,” he tells me.

 

“I think they add character,” I say with a smile.

 

He gives me a small smile back and says, “really? Thanks for that, nobodies said that before.”

 

“Well then they were just idiots,” then I motion to the station, “ready to go get tickets?”

 

“Sounds dandy to me.”

 

I give him a funny look for his choice of phrasing, but he doesn’t seem to notice. He takes a shot at the ticket machine without any luck, “they are different here,” he tells me.

 

“I know, here, let me. I've gotten used to all this from going to prep school here as well,” I say and proceed to buy tickets for both of us, “Ok, looks like we are ready to go on platform.. 9. We better hurry though the train will be leaving in a few and we have to walk like 3/4 of the way down the platform just to get to the 2nd class section.”

 

We end up catching it with no problem, this time of day doesn’t see much traffic either so we are left in a nearly empty car just slowly getting to know each other. I tell him about my obsessions with music, concerts, some TV shows, certain books and cooking and he informs me that the best thing on earth is chocolate. I promise to bake him some of my favourite chocolate cakes. I can practically see his mouth water when I describe my recipe for a three layered back forest cake with whipped cream and a cherry brandy conception between the layers and the chocolate buttercream frosting topping. From there we go into this long discussion about the different forms of chocolate and I make a mental note to buy him some of that stuff from the bio market in the station. He tells me how much he likes dogs even though that’s where the scars on his face come from. Of course the more he speaks about animals I realize he’s an animal person, not a dog person. No dog person talks that enthusiastically about cats. I tell him about my trip when he asks. And then just as we’re beginning to talk about school and the classes we share, only one and possibly the travel, the train comes into Zurich HB. We exit and I begin to show him around my favourite city.

 

First we head through the park along the river and over the blue walking bridge at the beginning of the “most beautiful river” he as ever seen. I agree with him and promise to take him swimming every weekend that the weather is nice enough. We get a small lunch at one of the more local places to eat along that side of the river and I tell him about all of my favourite street art, especially the Eulen Heulen. Then we walk along the river towards the larger bridge that leads to Limmatplatz and one of the larger tram stations. Along the way we periodically stop to admire the beautiful and sometimes hilarious work that is done in the legal graffiti area. I purchase us day cards and then we wait for the one that will take us over to the big glass building. I try to explain all this to him so that if he needs to come here again alone he’ll be able to. I remember on the train he mentioned that he needed to buy a new book bag because his had been falling apart so we get off and I head him over to the Freitag tower.

 

When we get there he looks up an says, “wow, that is much more interesting than that glass building. They just took shipping containers and made them into a tower, that is such a fantastic idea. Can we go to the top?”

 

“That we can, the top level is actually a rooftop balcony of sorts. I also want to look at their bags,” I inform him.

 

He finally looks into the windows, “they make bags then?”

 

“That they do, really nice ones too.”

 

“Cool,” he says and we head up.

 

We spend about twenty minutes up on the top level balcony. I show him all them places that can be seen what we've been and where we are going. After a short silence he tells me, "this is one of the most beautiful places I have every been, I didn't think that I'd like this city so much. Thank you for showing me around."

 

"It's no problem, been my pleasure actually," I tell him shyly.

 

After we’re done admiring the view I ask him to help me pick out a new book bag. After a bit of wandering he comes up to me and says, “this one is quite nice,” he’s holding out a dark green messenger bag with some sort of writing from whatever train car cover they took this from.

 

“That one it is then,” I tell him and we head back down the metal stairs to the register.

 

Once we’re outside and back on a tram again so he isn’t able to refuse and make me take it back I hand him the bag, “happy new friendship, hope you like it,” I tell him with a smile.

 

“You- you mean this is for me? Is that why you had me pick it out? Sirius, I can’t take this, it’s far too expensive.”

 

I stop him, “it’s no problem, you needed a bag, it’s better to get one that will last for a long time then one that will break easily. I’m making an investment for you. And you aren’t aloud to give it back,” I add firmly.

 

“I don’t really know what to say, thank you, this is a very nice gift,” he tells me before reaching in and hugging me. I swear my heart skips a beat and I can feel my cheeks heating as I hug him back.

 

“It’s nothing, I’m glad that I could be of assistance. We need to get off at the nest stop though. I want to go into the old city, there is a tea shop that I adore. You won't find better quality anywhere. And there is this bio shop I love in the hauptbahnhof that has the best chocolate. Then we need to be getting back before the Migros closes back in our town so we don't end up with just take away pizza tonight.”

 

He pulls away and he looks at me very intently, "chocolate?"

 

"Ya.." I say confused about his sudden intensity, "are you okay?"

 

"Of course I am, you just said the magic word!" he explains, "chocolate is my favourite thing in this entire world!"

 

I let out a small laugh and say, "Okay then, we'll stock up on it. There's also a really yummy vanilla bourbon one at the other store we're going to." 

 

He gives me a huge smile, "that sounds great! I can't wait to try some!"

 

"Okay, just be sure to remind me when we're there," I tell him. 

 

"Oh, believe me, I'll never forget something as important as chocolate," he says with as huge smile. 

 

"No objections from me," I tell him as we step off the tram. 

 

We walk though the old city and I tell him little tidbits of information that I know about various buildings or people or the history of the city. That particularly interests him so I continue with the things I know. By the time we reach the shop just around the corner from the Russian book store and small play park I have run out of interesting historical information and am glad that I don’t have to tell him this.

 

We go in and I buy enough tea to “last though the next world war” according to Remus. I try to tell him that I drink a lot of tea and that this is also for him to use, but he sticks to his claim. Once we get back to the station we have a bit till our return train leaves so I am able to show him the bio market, Egli, and to buy some dry fruit, bio juices, tofu products, rice milks, some cereal, and, most importantly, nearly their entire supply of chocolate. I swear I could see Remus’ mouth water and his eyes get about three times as big when I put the bars in our cart.

 

“This is stuff for the room, meaning it’s for both of us, you can have whatever you like, that’t why I’m getting extra. I’ll get the speciality items, you can do the more common stuff,” I tell him, “oh, but one request? Don’t put any open meat around the other open products? I don’t care if you cook it or eat it, it just doesn’t sit well with me...” I trail off embarrassed waiting for him to make fun of me.

 

“So you’re vegetarian?”

 

“Ya...”

 

“That’s cool, I don’t eat much meat anyways, I'll save it for going out or something. I’m more interested in what you’ll cook up. From the way you talk about cooking it seems like you know what you’re doing,” he tells me flashing a grin again.

 

“Well, um, thanks. I hope you like it. And thanks for not making fun of me,”

 

“Why would I do that? It’s not like you were making fun of me for eating it, why should I make fun of you for not. If something doesn’t sit well with you then it’s better to trust that feeling.”

 

“Well, thanks anyways. I’ll be paying for this now, just one second,” I say then walk up to the counter.

 

The trip back is comfortable. We talk about nothing in particular, but it’s nice. We get back and I show him where the largest Migros is and we stock up on everything we could possibly need. The first shopping day is always the most expensive and heavy. Luckily most of it ends up fitting under the seat with a few exceptions that Remus carries in my duffle bag on his back.

 

We get back to the apartment and spend a great deal of time unloading and organising the cupboards. This is made longer by the fact that neither of us can stop messing about with each other. Once we are finished and are about to retreat to our own rooms because that’s what expected of us to do Remus turns around to face me and says something.

 

“Want to do something else for the night? Watch a film or something? We can set up a stand for a laptop.”

 

 

I smile, “I’ve got something better, move the sofa around and I’ll be right back.”

 

I dash into my room and start to go though another bag looking for my little projector and the smaller Bose till I finally come across them with their cords still right where they belong. I come back out to see the sofa flipped and facing the big white wall and I hold up the contents of my hands.

 

“You’re kidding. This is brilliant! What are we going to watch?”

 

I think for a moment then say, “have you seen The Fountain or Mr. Nobody?”

 

“I’ve seen The Fountain and love it, but I haven’t seen Mr. Nobody yet. The fact that you even list those two together makes me want to see it though. How about we start with that,” he says and moves to help me set everything up.

 

He then starts the kettle while I get the movie set up and the sound correct, “grab a couple bars of that chocolate too, I have been craving so bad it’s driving me bonkers!” I tell him as he brings one of the bedside tables from his room over to be used as a coffee table.

 

That night is perfect. We spend it watching movies, he decides that this is in fact the best chocolate in existence and that Mr. Nobody is quite amazing.

 

“How could anybody not love Jared Leto?” he asks, “that man seems so interesting. And he makes good music.”

 

“You know the band!!” I say jumping up and probably startling him.

 

“Of course! I grew up on them. I love their stuff.”

 

“This is fantastic! Have you hear of AFI then? They toured with them a while back, they have been my favourite since I 2005! Sing The Sorrow? Oh my god, that was the best! And Burials!! AND THERE’S A NEW BLAQK AUDIO THIS YEAR!! AND POP KIDS SEQUEL!! I am freaking out incase you couldn’t tell. Why are you laughing?”

 

“You’re just-” he begins but is cut off by is own laughing, “just so enthusiastic! I didn’t know other’s could be that way. I am like that with Sherlock!” he says, laughing again.

 

“Me too!! We have to do a Sherlock marathon!”

 

“Deal my friend,” he says finally getting ahold of his laughing fit, “okay time for The Fountain.”

 

“Works for me!”

 

This is how we spend our night. Laughing, joking, and yes, crying at some parts in The Fountain... All in all it was a fantastic day. The only problem is that now I find myself glancing over at Remus, the person who is so gorgeous inside it makes him even more physically attractive, and I realize that there is probably no way that I’ll be able to avoid developing a much larger crush on him. And with that comes an entire other set of problems.

 

_**That’s right, once he sees the real you he’ll run as far away as he can. You deserve that, it’s what you get for being worthless.** _

 

I try to block out my thoughts but it doesn’t work. Why can silence be so violent?

 

I put my head in my hands and pull at my hair. _Please, just leave me alone!_

 

Once my head stops pounding I find my headphones and phone and put the album Vessel on repeat and try to lose myself in sleep. Eventually, this works and all I dream of is a certain scarred boy.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again! I have decided that I will update this story at least once a month (unless something drastic happens, but I don't think that it will). You have no idea how happy I am that people are even reading this, I was kind of expecting it to go unnoticed. So thank you to all of those who are reading, bookmarking, or leaving kudos, it means a lot to me. 
> 
> The tea shop I mention is called Shui Tang and I just found out that that began shipping to America! I wasn't joking about how great their tea is either, so good.. 
> 
> I made Sirius a vegetarian because I felt like it worked well with the character I am forming. This will not be some sort of preach one way or the other, it just worked correctly. 
> 
> And again, so many song references! 
> 
> Best wishes to you all!


	3. Avalanche

The following few days were spend with Remus and I organizing each others rooms and occasionally going into town to get anything we’d need for the room or school when it started. Which happens to be tomorrow, oh joy.

 

Most of the students arrive the Saturday before classes begin, Remus had been told the incorrect date by the admissions officer so he came a few days early, which was aloud, it just didn’t happen often. Once he got here they made due and gave him a small tour of the campus and then let him to his rooms where he met me. I came back early because I didn’t have much else better to do and it’s interesting to see the campus vacant of life. I must say that now that Remus and I have gotten to know each other I’m quite glad that the campus didn’t turn out to be completely vacant.

 

The night before classes started we made, well I made, he tried to help, a nice light curry dinner complete with wine and a chocolate cake I made earlier in the day to celebrate our last day of true freedom for a while. We were about to dish ourselves out some of the curry when there was a loud, insistent knocking at the door. Remus lifted an eyebrow in question and I just shrugged before setting the rice spoon down and walk to the door. The moment I begin to turn the handle the door bursts open and in barges James looking slightly pissed off. Peter followed behind looking a bit guilty, he begins to greet me but James cuts him off.

 

“And where the hell do you think you have been, huh?” James asks as he pushes me back slightly.

 

“Just here? Is there a problem that I don’t know about?”

 

“‘A problem’ he says! Is there a problem? Well of course there bloody well is! You’ve been here for how long and you didn’t see if we were back yet? How kind of you, what a great friend you are!”

 

Well, he sure seems pissed about this..

 

“I’m sorry James,” I begin trying to sound as sincere as possible, “ I seem to have lost track of time, I didn’t know you were going to be back so soon I guess. I didn’t intend to anger you.”

 

James glares at me for a few seconds before he suddenly doubles over laughing.

 

“You..” he starts, but has to begin again because he’s laughing too hard. “You actually believed that I was pissed! Oh my gosh, you should have seen the look in your eye! I’m bloody brilliant!”

 

“You bastard! I thought you were going to try to fight me or something stupid like that,” I tell him pushing him slightly. “What a way to make an impression on my new friend too,” I turn to Remus and say, “James, Peter, this is Remus, he’s new here, freshmen like us. Remus, this is Peter and the git.”

 

James smiles at my description of him, “The git wishes you well,” he says as he takes an exaggerated bow. Remus gives me an ‘is he serious look?’ but responds with a “thank you.”

 

“Okay James, there is no need to scare the newcomer,” Peter says finally closing the door behind him, “it’s nice to meet you Remus.”

 

"You too."

 

“Okay, the pleasantries are out of the way, what are you cooking tonight Sir?” Asks James.

 

I put on an annoyed look and say, “Well I guess I know why you’re friends with me them." I try to give my best pissed off look, but eventually fail and say “It’s curry, and you jerks are lucky I made extra.”

 

“Oooo curry! Yes!” exclaims James as he rushes over to the stove. "You make a damn good curry my friend."

 

“Leave enough for everybody James! There’s cake too. And, again, you guys are lucky I keep a small collection of wine around, there’s another bottle of Riesling in the fridge if we end up needing it.”

 

“Perfect,” James says as he brings out two more glasses, refills mine and Remus’, and fils the other two for Peter and himself.

 

The rest of the night goes smoothly, James and Remus seem to be hitting it off, which is.. good I guess. Part of me wanted to keep him all to myself which I know I can't do and that it is an irrational thought, but I can't help myself.

 

**_You idiot, he’ll never be yours!_ **

 

We spend a good deal of time comparing each others schedules, James and I have a business course together as we already knew and Peter only has the freshmen travel course with us. Of course every freshmen has that course, we wont know until the first meeting who is in which group. See, there are four separate groups seeing as a group of 100 college freshmen would be difficult to handle. The travel course is supposed to engross you into Swiss culture, so we travel for two weeks around the country while all the upperclassmen get to pick what travel they go on. I personally don’t mind it, but many do. It also turns out that Remus and I have two classes together, History 100 and Advanced English 103, both of which are classes I have been looking forward to because I’ve heard good things about the professors. Of course saying this out loud would just make me a nerd, so I opt to staying quiet, that is until Remus speaks up.

 

“You know, I’m really looking forward to that english course. I’ve read some of the short stories the professor has published and have loved them! Also, from what was laid out in the course description, it seems like this won’t be your average english course, more freeform than normal from what I can gather.”

 

I turn to him, probably looking quite surprised and say, “I completely agree! This appears to be one of those course that we will be looking back on with fondness instead of contempt. I can’t wait to see what the syllabus has set out.”

 

“I know,” he says, looking a bit relieved, “I half expected you to make fun of me. Aren’t you going to be a business major?”

 

“Oh yeah,” I say, “ but english and the arts are my passion, business is just for a profession.”

 

“I’m not an expert, but shouldn’t you be studying a field that you at least enjoy a bit?” He asks.

 

“I don’t know, I feel like if I went into a profession that was based on my hobbies I would end up hating it.”

 

**_Lie, you liar. You don’t want to do it because you know you’d fail because you're a failure._ **

 

_Shut up!_

 

“That’s a valid reason I guess,” he tells me, “I still think it’s a better idea to go into something you have a passion for.”

 

“Okay you nerds,” James says clamping a hand on my shoulder, “enough with the school talk, lets talk girls, or in your case Sirius, boys or girls.” He throws in an eye wiggle like he’s just done something completely brilliant. My eyes widen and I stop breathing.

 

_Oh god, what if Remus is homophobic? Or what if he’s one of those people that just thinks all bisexuals are just sluts or liars? Freaking hell James!_

 

I feel myself begin to panic and I try to start breathing again and come up with some clever lie when James starts talking again.

 

“I just wanted to get that out of the way for my friend here, you’re fine with that, right Remus? ‘Cause if you aren’t then I may have to kick your butt.” Then he gives Remus a death stare. The act of subtlety is something that James greatly lacks knowledge in.

 

Remus gives a slight chuckle and says, “well, I think that would be quite hypocritical of me considering the fact that I’m gay. It’s good to know that you guys aren’t homophobic or anything.”

 

I notice that Peter looks a bit uncomfortable, he’s able to hide his being uncomfortable with me being bi from James, but I haven’t missed it. Again, James doesn’t notice this and breaks out into a grin.

 

“Well that’s a damn good thing to hear, now Sirius here will have somebody with more knowledge on the subject to talk to. Sorry being a bit defensive there, I’m just not too fond of homophobes.” What James lacks in subtly, he makes up for by having a good heart.

 

I’m starting to feel a bit light headed when I remember that I have been holding my breath. I try to look as normal as I can as I catch my breath.

 

_That was close. Remus is gay, that means I could have a shot-_

 

**_You wish you freak._ **

 

I want to deny it, but I know the voice is right, thats the problem. But there are people around and I can’t lose my composure here. No matter how difficult that is for me. I have learned the hard way that 'breaking down' over something is the quickest way to make people hate you. But sometimes the weight of these thoughts feels like hands around my neck. 

 

“Now that that’s taken care of,” I say trying to run as far away from the subject as possible, “I’m going to open the next bottle, who’s in?”

 

“Not me,” says Peter, “I don’t feel like being hungover on the first day of classes.”

 

“You’re such a lightweight.” James says, “But I’m out too, I don’t feel like having a hangover either since I've had a lot more than little Peter over there I'm much more likely to get one.”

 

“Oh hangovers,” I say popping the cork on the second bottle of German Riesling, “I can’t understand how you drink knowing that you’ll be getting one in the morning. The only thing that gives me a hangover is Grey Goose and I will never touch that stuff again. That morning was hell.” I tremble remembering my pounding head.

 

“Believe me,” James starts, “I know how bad it was, I was the one holding you’re pretty hair back as you expelled a weeks worth of food.”

 

“Ya man, sorry about that. Again.”

 

He shrugs, “that’s what friends are for.”

 

“Remus? Wine?”

 

He thinks about this for a second, “I guess I could go for one more.”

 

I bring the bottle over and as I put a bit into his glass he asks me, “Do you really not get hangovers?”

 

“Nope, besides Grey Goose. I’m more tired than normal in the morning, but that just may be because I usually stay up later when I drink.”

 

**_Better stop there or else you'll get too close to the truth and they'll find out what a fuck up you are...._ **

 

“I don’t really drink much so I can’t say how I’d be if I consumed a large amount of alcohol, but I only sometimes get small headaches. Can you drink any amount and not get one?”

 

“From what I have gathered, yes. I’ve downed an entire bottle of whiskey along with some wine and Jagger in one night and woke up fine the next morning.”

 

“Wait a minute,” James says, “that wasn’t with us. Who’d you do that with then?”

 

_Shit, I forgot about that, think quick._

 

“Some girl down in Ticino about a year ago, it was when I found out I had a high tolerance to alcohol,” I say. _Thank goodness I’m a good liar... Though I guess that isn’t the best quality to have, it sure is useful though._

 

“Oh, you haven’t told me that story yet, tell away, this sounds interesting.” He folds one leg up and stokes his chin for good measure, to make sure he looks like a weirdo I'm assuming.

 

“Um, there’s not much to tell. We were dancing and she suggested some sort of drinking game which led to her being held up in the wash closet an hour after we started and with me alone.”

 

“Oh ouch, it sucks when people who can’t hold their liquor-” he turns to Peter, “no offense man.”

 

“Only a bit taken,” he says picking up his jacket and heading for the door. “I’m going to turn in, thanks for dinner Sirius.”

 

“No problem.”

 

“And it was nice to meet you Remus,” he remembers to add before opening the door, “have a good night.”

 

He is followed by a chorus of ‘goodnight’s as the door closes. I refill my glass and place the bottle back in the fridge before I go back to where Remus and James have started taking about being homesick. _Great._

 

“I’ve only been gone for a few days,” Remus says as I take a large gulp of the wine, “and I already miss all of my things.”

 

“I know what you mean,” says James. “When I first came here I almost begged my parent to let me come home after two weeks. I have a dog named Maddy that I force my parents to bring with them every time they skype me.”

 

They both laugh, “I don’t know what I’m going to do once I start really missing my cat, she’s slightly evil, but not to me,” replies Remus. “Oh great, I’m already missing her.”

 

“Dude, it’s the worst, says James. “I wish I could just relocate my entire house to this town so that I wouldn’t have to deal with missing everybody.”

 

I try to nod in understanding while simultaneously camouflaging myself into my chair so that I don’t get asked any questions. Home sickness is one thing that I don’t get.. and before I start thinking of that I’ll just pay attention to what they are saying.

 

“So you’ve been here for two years now, right?” Remus asks.

 

“That’s correct.”

 

“How do you deal with it?”

 

“Well,” James starts, “when the work load picks up it’s easier, other than that all I have to say is that skype and ryanair are my best friends. I take at least a one weekend trip home every couple of months.”

 

“Noted.” Remus sighs and looks up at the clock, “Shoot, it’s already midnight? I need to get some sleep before classes start in the morning.”

 

James nods, “beauty sleep, I get it.”

 

“Oh shut up,” says Remus. “Sleep is good.”

 

“True,” says James standing up. “In that case I should be heading back to my bed myself.”

 

I stand up and give James a hug, “night. Thanks for making me think you were going to hit me earlier.”

 

“Oh you know I’d never do that,” he says returning the gesture with a pat on the back before puling away. “Thanks for the food, it was great as always.”

 

“No problem,” I say.

 

“Remus,” James says and then takes an exaggerated bow, “it was lovely to become acquainted with you.”

 

Remus give me a questioning look, one that I feel might say, 'does he do this all the time?'

 

I shrug and say, “He thinks he’s funny when he’s tired,” I explain. Somehow this passes directly over James’ head though. He really must be tired.

 

Remus gives me an, ‘oh I get it’ face and calls, “yours too,” to James as he’s walking out the door.

 

Once the door is shut Remus turns to me and says, “your friends are nice, a bit eccentric, but nice.”

 

“Yeah, I’m used to it, I’m eccentric too so it was east for me.”

 

He gives a short laugh and says, I find it interesting.” He yawns before saying, “thanks again for dinner, it was really great. I’ll see you in the morning for our history class?”

 

“Sounds like a plan,” I say and then add, “sleep well.”

 

“You too,” he says as he walks into the bathroom.

 

I sigh, and with that small gesture my entire facade falls. I am the real me, or at least the me that hides in the dark corners of my mind. Some day's its like I'm treading on really thin ice and the moment everybody is out of sight I plunge under and the weight of it is like hands around my neck. I wish there was an antidote, but I know its not that simple.

 

I move over to the fridge and grab the half empty bottle of wine to try to drown my demons.

 

But there is one thing that I know all too well:

 

They can swim. 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know! It's been a long time... Hopefully this is adequate. 
> 
> After this chapter the drama is going to pick up a bit more, you're going to figure out more about Sirius and his problems. I just wanted there to be a bit of an introduction to the characters and the world that this story takes place in. Oh and it's modern day Switzerland by the way. 
> 
> Best wishes to you all!


	4. Arrogant Boy...

We’re nearing the time for midterms now, which means that Halloween is just twelve days away. I've always fond of Halloween, but James absolutely  adores it. He always want’s to dress up as some ‘dynamic duo’ and make Peter go as something related as well. All of our costumes so far in the two years that I have known James have been orchestrated. First were we’re Batman(James of course), Robbin(me), and Alfred(Peter). Needless to say Peter and I were a bit reluctant, but we learned very quickly how much of a big deal it was to James, so we play along. The next year we went as Sherlock Holmes, John Watson, and Inspector Lestrade, the BBC version. This one I was okay with, that was until James forced me to dye my hair blonde.. Remus fell over laughing when James showed him the photos from that, he made it my caller ID photo on his phone. Bastard.

 

This year though I happened to get lucky, halloween is going to be during travel so I don’t have to deal with the costumes. Peter does though. We found out what our travel groups were going to be a couple of weeks after school started. All the freshmen have the same travel course that leads all around Switzerland, just split into four different groups. James and Peter are in group two and Remus and I are in group four. Each group is led by a different teacher which makes each one slightly different, it so happens that group four was being headed by the very lax German mathematician, Dr. Prisner. I couldn’t even explain just how relieved I was when I found this out, he’s one of the best professors to have a travel with by far according to all of the upperclassmen I have spoken with. From what I have heard, some of the other professors make you write a 30 page report on your travel while others will give you a test daily to see how much you were paying attention during the various tours and such. Prisner on the other hand was just happy that people showed up. For some reason his mode of teaching the travel courses made people want to pay attention to what was going on more than they would have if there was going to be a test at the end of it. The other fun thing that I’ve been told is that if the students had been particularly corporative he would take them out drinking in his favourite bar in whatever city they were in. Needless to say, I’m very excited for this travel course. I have already been to all the places that we’ll be going to considering how much time I tend to spend in this country over the holidays, but knowing that I would be on the travel with Prisner and Remus makes me hopeful.

 

James got a bit upset when he found out that we were on different travels. Actually, upset might be an understatement. When the professor finished reading out the names for the second travel group and my name wasn't read he stood up in the room full of freshmen and shouted, "What kind of lunacy is this? I demand to know why my request to have Mr. Black on my travel course was denied!"

I tried to pull him down by his sleeve, "James, chill, it's okay."

 

"No Sirius, it's not okay. Why is he on a different travel?"

 

"Because, Mr. Potter, the staff agreed that it would be for the betterment of all if the two of you weren't together to raise any havoc." 

 

"Oh, you'll get havoc now! Just you see!" And with that he stormed out of the assembly. 

 

"Your parents will be getting a call regarding your behaviour today Mr. Potter!" The professor called out to him as he pushed open the door. 

 

"Like I give a damn!" And with that the door slammed shut. James could be a bit dramatic when he wanted to, thats for sure. I think that he just enjoyed causing a commotion. 

 

There were a couple of seconds of complete silence in the hall before the professor spoke again, "well, now that's over with. Would you like your parents to receive a call as well Mr. Black?"

 

I panicked for just a moment before I shook my head no and the professor continued with the list. The last think I need is to have my parents called, I couldn't imagine what they'd do the next time I saw them. Well, I could I just didn't want to. My bad boy reputation may have taken a hit, but that's better than the alternative.  

 

Speaking of friends as the semester continued on, Remus and I became closer and closer. I have never found someone that I could get along with so well, I wasn’t even this close with James for goodness sake. I would never tell James that though, he may have a heart attack if I did. Being so comparable with Remus didn’t quite help the growing attraction that I felt for him, but I have done my best to not think about it or let it get out of hand. I would most definitely not like to lose him as a friend. The good thing is that I have a lot of practice hiding how I feel, in fact after all these years I've become quite proficient at it.

 

The bad thing about the semester continuing on was that it meant that there was a lot more work and my stress level was rising. Stress and me don’t get along too well for whatever reason. Nobody seems to notice, in fact I’m often complimented on how well I can deal with stressful situations or have people telling me that they could never imagine me losing my composure for any reason. I took this as a compliment, not towards my stress handling abilities, but to my lying skills.

 

No matter how well I’m able to hide the stress, it’s still there. Now, a week before midterms, is one of the worst time’s that there is. I have three in class midterms and three papers due in three days and I have yet to start any of them. Whenever there is something that I’m dreading doing I can always find the perfect excuses in my head to put them off till a later time. This leads me to the situation that I’m in at the moment, with three papers due in three days and not a single word written.

 

 _Fuck, I have to work. I have to get all of this done._ I hit the point of no return and begin to pack up my stuff to head to a place where I can work in peace.

 

There is no place better for me to work than the underground part of the bomb cellar turned library to get things done on this campus. This entire cellar is the fiction section, meaning nobody comes down here unless they are looking for a book to read, which never happens in this day in age, people just download the pdf or audiobook. So instead of going to the main part of the library where there are always distractions I come down here where there are none.

 

I make my way down the steep concrete staircase, through the bomb shelter doors, and to the seventh row down before I sit on the floor and get out my laptop to begin getting to work. For some reason I always come to this particular isle, it’s the one that has Vonnegut and for whatever reason it helps me focus knowing his words are there with me.

 

It’s all good the first few of hours, I get the papers for English and History classes busted out rather quickly with the sure knowledge that they’re high B papers. I don’t really need much more than that, I know I could put a bit more effort into them, but I don’t really see the point. I guess I need to move onto the business paper now then. I wish I didn’t have to. This is the one subject that I can’t seem to do well in, but there’s nothing I can do about that, all I can do is try. It’s not long after I begin writing my paper on the growth of organic farming as a sustainable and profitable business that I begin to realize how shit what I’m writing is. I delete a couple of paragraphs and begin to rewrite them, but the feeling of inadequacy still persists. I stop typing for a moment and just try to regain my focus and composure by rubbing my temples and taking deep breaths. The last thing I need at the moment is to fall into a panic attack.

 

**_You’re going to fail this just like everything else._ **

 

_Shut up!_

 

**_No, you know you’re a failure. Why even try, you know how this all is going to end, just do it now._ **

 

_No! Stop. Stop. Stop!_

 

I’m done for though. I toss my laptop aside and bring my hands to my hair. Pain helps stop the voices in my head so I pull as hard as I can. 

 

_**You know that’s not enough. That won’t stop you from panicking you freak.** _

 

It’s right. I feel my breaths get shorter and the world start to speed up. My mind throws all my fuck-ups at me at once. Every. Single. One.

 

_**Freak.** _

_**Failure.** _

_**Parents don’t even love you.** _

_**You made them hate you.** _

_**You made them hurt you.** _

_**You deserved every bit of it.** _

_**You.** _

_**YOU did that.** _

_**It’s YOUR fault.** _

_**YOURS.** _

_**That’s right. It’s all your fault. Everything is your fault.** _

 

_I need to stop. I need to stop. Stop. Stop please._

 

I pull harder and bring my knees to my chest. I can feel myself beginning to shake uncontrollably. I hate feeling like I don't have control over my own body.

 

_I don’t want this. I don’t want any of this. Why am I even still here?_

 

**_That’s right._ **

 

_Why am I alive? I can’t breathe._

 

**_No, you SHOULDN’T breathe._ **

 

_That's right... I shouldn- no, stop._

 

I pull harder on my hair but my mind won’t stop. I wish there was something else that I could do, but there isn’t. At least I’m quite enough that nobody will hear me and come down here so I just move my arms so they embrace my knees. I let my head fall to my bony knees with a harsh thud and I dig my nails into my thighs as much as I can through my black skinny jeans. I wish there was some other way that I could dull the thoughts, but I don’t have any gin here, too bad this dull pain rarely ever works..

 

**_Thats right, you know it won’t take me away, it can’t because I’m you. And you know every thing I say is true._ **

 

_It is true.._

 

**_That’s right. There you go. You don't deserve to breathe._ **

 

The tears finally begin to cascade down onto my knees and I know that I’m lost. There’s nothing I can do now besides wait out this panic attack, hopefully it will subside before the library closes. I’ve lost track of time by this point, all I know is that it was 20:17 when I last looked at the time and the library closes at 21:00 tonight. At least there’s nobody here to witness th-

"Sirius?"

 

I throw my head up in a start and my wet eyes connect with the surprised ones of none other than Remus Lupin.

 

I feel the panic inside me growing to new heights.

 

_I’ve been caught. No! This can’t be happening._

 

“No. No, no, no, no, no. You can’t be here, please don’t be here!” I bring my hands back to my hair and pull as I wish with every ounce of myself that I’ve started having auditory and visual hallucinations. I hear myself quietly repeating, “please, no,” over and over again and I realize just how pathetic I am.

 

I feel something on my shoulder and I shrink away to the corner, covering my head in fear, completely believing that I’m going to be hurt by someone.

 

“No. Please! I promise I’ll be good, just don’t-” 

 

“Sirius! It’s just me, it’s just Remus. It’s okay,” he says softly. I can hear the concern in his voice so I look up.

 

He doesn’t look surprised anymore, now there is only fear and... empathy? I can’t be reading that right. No, it’s pity. This makes me feel like I’m going to break down more.

 

_This is real, it‘s not a hallucination. How did I not hear his footsteps? I don’t want him to see me like this, I don’t want this! I can’t deal with this. Everything just needs to slow down. This world needs to slow down. Now. I can’t, I just can’t.._

 

“Sirius, it;s okay, I promise it is okay? I’m here, you’re not alone, nothing’s going to happen.” He puts his hands up and moves a bit closer very slowly like he’s approaching a wounded animal, which I guess I am at the moment. “Is it okay if I sit with you?”

 

I look him directly in the eyes and, completely against my better judgement, give a small nod. He comes closer and sits against the wall next to me. For a few seconds we just sit there as I try to compose myself. It doesn’t work, so I do something that I’ve wanted to do since I realized my little crush wasn’t going to just go aways, I lean into him and bury my face in his chest. Remus seems shocked for a moment, but just as I’m about to pull away and apologise, he wraps his arms around my shaking shoulders.

 

It takes a while of Remus holding me and telling me that it’s going to be okay and reminding me to breathe before I have gained enough of my composure to finally be able to leave. Without a word I pull away and move to put my thing in my bag. Remus watches me without a word as I pack my bag, he looks just about as deep in thought as I would be if I wasn’t numb. For some reason I’m always emotionally numb for a while after a particularly bad panic attack, it’s like I use up all of my energy on that one thing and there isn’t enough left to even really feel anything. Except this time I do feel one feeling creeping up, shame. I feel ashamed that anybody, but especially Remus, has seen me in the state I was just in. I have done a very good job of hiding the fact that I’m anything other than the self confident guy that doesn’t care what anybody thinks about him. Now I’ve failed there as well.

 

After I finish packing my belongings up in silence, I get up and turn to walk away.

“Wait. Sirius, wait,” Remus says as he lifts himself off the floor, “um.... Where are you going?”

 

“Just back to the room,” I say in a monotone, it’s all I can muster up at the moment.

 

“Okay, I’ll come with you- if that’s alright that is?”

 

“Yeah,” I say and walk towards the door. I remember that I’ve been crying so I pull a bit of hair into my face. As we reach the doors to the building I hear some particularly heavy rain, as I look up I see that it is in fact quite a heavy downpour so I throw up the hood of my parka. I glance behind me and see that Remus only has a thin sweater on that is probably still damp from, well, me. He visibly shivers as he looks out the glass doors. I shuffle through my bag until I find the umbrella at the bottom and hold it out to him wordlessly.

 

“Oh, that’s not necessary, you keep it,” he says with a small smile.

 

“I’m fine, I have my jacket. Take it, please.” He takes it from me with a quite ‘thank you‘ and we walk out into the deluge. The walk back to our rooms is completely silent except for the sound of our feet and the rain. By the time we reach our the door to our rooms I have worked out a small explanation, or rather a lie about how I took coke and must have gotten a bad batch. Of course this wasn’t true, I’d never even snorted coke, but I’ve know people that have had reactions to it that are similar to what happened so I can make it work.

 

Once he closes the door I start, “Look, I’m sorry about that. I must have gotten a-”

 

“It’s okay Sirius, I know what a panic attack is. I’ve have them before, I still get them sometimes. You don’t need to make something up. Here’s your umbrella, thanks again,” he says handing it back to me.

 

I’m a bit taken aback by this and it takes me a moment to respond. “Oh, ok, good. Well not good that you get them- just good that... that I don’t have to make up some story and that you don’t think I’m a freak or anything,” like my family does. “And you’re welcome, it was nothing.”

 

Remus almost looks hurt before he says, “of course I don’t think that you’re a freak, not in the slightest. And, well, if you need to talk about anything, I’m here, just so you know. We’re friends, you can always come to me or call or text if you need anything.”

 

I give a weak smile, “thanks. Well, I’m going to turn in. Uh, thanks again, you know, for understanding and, well, everything. It means a lot.” I start walking to my room and then remember to add a quick, “goodnight,” before I reach the threshold.

 

“Of course, sleep well Sirius.” He gives a small wave and I disappear into my room closing the door behind me.

 

I let out a breath that I wasn’t aware that I’d been holding before putting my bag down, taking off my jacket, falling into my bed, and reaching for my headphones. I know that the only way I’ll be able to sleep is to put a song on repeat for the entire night. I know what I’m going to put on even before I pick up my iPod, Therapy by All Time Low. There are a few songs that I can relate to personally, but this one is by far the most accurate. So, like always, I do my best to lose myself in Alex’s words and as I do so I realize that this song is even more accurate than ever considering what just happened tonight.

 

“...A hand full of moments I wished I could change

But I was carried away

Give me therapy, I’m a walking travesty

But I’m smiling at everything

Therapy, you were never a friend to me

You can take back your misery...

Arrogant boy, cause a scene like you’re supposed to

They’ll fall asleep without you

You’re lucky if your memory remains...”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alternate ending songs:
> 
> Tonight-Tyler Joseph  
> Dear World-Boy Epic  
> Scars(Piano Version)-Boy Epic  
> Props & Mayhem-Pierce the Veil  
> Down Here-Blaqk Audio  
> Silver and Cold-AFI  
> Missing You-All Time Low 
> 
> These are all my final picks for the song at the end of the chapter.They're all really good in my opinion. Heck I have tattoos based off Dear World, AFI, All Time Low, and Pierce the Veil. 
> 
> Hello again all. Sorry for the long wait between chapters, there's a good reason, but I don't want to bore you. I'll be putting up another soon hopefully & i'll probably be going through this one again to find any mistakes I missed. 
> 
> I hope you're all well and thank you for reading this story and commenting, it means a lot to me. I love hearing what you all think so if you have any comments/criticism please let me know. I hope that you enjoyed this chapter and best wishes to you all!


	5. Fantastic Mr.  Black

I wake up as I normally do after a bad panic attack, feeling completely drained and exhausted. After the initial memory loss that comes from deep sleep and exhaustion I finally recall what happened. Someone found me. Remus found me. I guess it could have been worse, it could have been an official that would have requested that I take a trip to the resident shrink. Then it would somehow have gotten back to my parents that I visited a shrink and they would assume the worst which would mean that I would get the worst. That would be a completely disaster. I still can't believe that anybody, but especially Remus, found me like that. I guess it was only a matter of time, its kind of a wonder that I have kept it a secret for this long to be honest. I guess that I have a lot of practice at being surreptitious.  I'm a bit surprised that neither James nor Peter ever noticed anything terribly off, they knew I didn't particularly like my family, but that is it. I have never let them see me have a panic attack or show any of my other darker feelings, it takes a lot of work, but I have done it successfully so far. Well not counting Remus I guess, there I failed. It was bound to happen, I'm a failure after all.  

 

**Well, isn't that the truth.**

 

Damn. Not already. I still have to finish that business paper, it's due the day after tomorrow. I have classes in a little while and after that James, Peter, Remus, and I are catching a train into Zurich. I can't be thrown into another panic, I have things I have to do. Maybe I'll just not write the paper and skip class.. No that not a option. Shit. 

 

I'll do the paper later or just ask James for help, he'll end up writing the hole thing as long as I sit there and pretend to try to work on it. That business stuff comes naturally to him after all. And I need to ask Remus to keep the panic attack thing on the down low. I still don't want James to know, he's protective enough as it is, he might pay closer attention to the little things and catch onto something I don't want him to. For now though I need to just get up and shower all the dry tears off my face, I can't even imagine how terrible I look, thank goodness my hair is long enough to cover my face I a fashionable way. Then I definitely need some tea. I also need to stop by Suei Tang when we're in Zurich to get some more, we're already running low on what I bought the first time. I make a note of this then grab my dressing gown and iPod to head to the shower. 

 

I take a peak out of my door to make sure that Remus isn't outside in the kitchen or in the washroom, he shouldn’t be since his creative writing course began an hour ago. From the silence I can tell that he was able to make it to class after all so I make my way to the washroom and close the door with a sigh. It would have been hard facing Remus without having at least a little time to compose myself. Once the iPod is in its dock and ready to go I hit shuffle on the small remote and wouldn’t you know it, out of the 7,000 or so songs on it Wicked by Boy Epic comes up. This song doesn’t fit me exactly, but the general feeling is the same. Then there is the first verse: 

 

“You can call me fantastic Mr. Black

Give me a damn cigarette

Swallowing my regrets

With Jack Daniels, on my breath

I need that therapy, that melody

I'm drowning in my sympathy 

Doctor can you un-break me.”

 

Now that does fit me perfectly. I hit the repeat button and step into the shower trying to lose my mind in his melodic vocals and the steam for just a little while before I have to face the rest of the world. I get out with just enough time to throw on some clothes and grab my bag before dashing out of the door and barely making it to my business class, no tea today I guess. I take a place in the back for the day and spend the entire hour and a half in my own mind only catching a few terms that the professor is throwing out. From where I’m sitting there are no students that can see me so I let my guard down slightly by letting some emotions bleed through onto my features and by rolling up my sleeves. The only problem with a small school with a maximum of 30 students per class is that the professors can notice anything that any student is doing. For some reason I forgot about this. 

 

As usual I’m the last one out because of where I sit. As I reach the threshold I hear Professor Alarcon say, “Sirius, I was wondering if you could stay a moment.” 

 

_Shit. I didn’t think I was failing this class yet._

I turn around and nod with a small smile. 

 

“Could you close the door as well then you may take a seat if you like.”

 

_Well this can’t be a good sign. I can’t believe I’m already failing._

 

I do what he asks and take a seat in the front row. He looks like he is trying to figure out how to put what he wants to say into words as he takes a seat half on his desk in front of me. Finally he speaks. 

 

“Sirius, this isn’t about class exactly. I noticed something while you were in class today.”

 

 _Shit shit shit. He couldn’t have seen that._ I pull at the sleeve of my hoodie under the desk and try to keep a straight face. _I have to think of some way to get out of this._  

 

“I don’t want you to feel like you need to tell me anything or talk at all. I just want you to know that there is a very good therapist here on campus that you can talk to confidentially. Or if you aren’t comfortable with that than you can feel free to come to my office as well.”

 

“T-thank you for your concern Professor, but I’m fine. I apologies for not paying much attention in class today. My mind was just stuck in a short story that I’m writing in Lit, that’s all. It wasn't anything that's going on with me, I promise that I am completely fine Sir.”

 

Alarcon sighs deeply and looks down. “I saw the scars.”

 

My eyes widen in fear and I can feel myself beginning to panic. I have to think of a way out of this. 

 

“Oh those, my, uh, my brother and I could get into all sorts of trouble when I was little. Those are just from that.” Not too much of a lie, he could have only seen the ones on the top of my forearm after all. 

 

He looks up at me and I can see that he expected an answer just like that. “I saw the others ones when you stretched. Those are too new to be from your childhood.” 

 

 _No, no. no. “_ Those are just-” I start, but he interrupts me. 

 

“I had an older brother that committed suicided. I found him.” The silence rings in the air and the few seconds before he speaks again feel like a millennial. “Now I’m not saying that’s what you’re doing, I just..” he takes a deep breath before continuing, “I just want you to know that there is someones here who possibly understands more that you think, granted not directly, but enough to help. I didn’t do enough then and I won’t let that happen again.” 

 

I’m treading on very thin ice here, if I go under then there’s no hiding the panic beneath the surface. I don’t know what to do at all. I can’t speak. I can’t move. I feel completely paralyzed. The weight of all this feels just like hands clenched tightly around my neck. 

 

“Sirius, if you don’t want to talk to me then is there anybody that you can talk to about whatever it is you’re going though? Maybe your friends or possibly your family? I could give your parents a call and expl-”

 

My ability to speak comes back at the same time as I feel myself go under into the panic and I interrupt the professor before he can ever finish his sentence. 

 

“No! They can’t find out! P-please Sir they can’t. They can’t find out that anybody knows! I’ll do anything, just don’t tell them!” At this point I’m pleading with him and there are tears desperately trying to fall from my widened eyes. 

 

“What? Does that mean that the know?” he asks me. I can see the shock on his face and I know that I have made a huge mistake. I try to regain my composure, but I know that the damage is already done. I've screwed up, again. 

 

“No n-no that’s not what I meant,” I bring one hand to my hair and roughly run my nails over my scalp. _I have to get ahold of myself._ “I just meant that there’s nothing going on so- they dd-don’t need to think anything’s wrong.”

 

“Sirius, I know that you’re not telling the truth. I won’t call them, I promise, but if they have done something- you need to tell someone. You can't keep something like that bottled up. Please Sirius.” 

 

_I have to get out. This isn’t working._

 

“I’m sorry Sir, I can’t do this.. I-I mean I’m supposed to be meeting my friends, we have a train to catch.” I get up and almost run for the door, he catches my shoulder and I flitch away from his touch as I stop. He immediately lets go after seeing that involuntary movement.

 

“Sirius, please. I don’t know what has happened, but I know that it’s worse than I though originally. My door is always open if you need to talk. I promise that it will be 100% confidential. All I want to do is help.” 

 

All I can do is nod, I don’t even have the ability to deny that something’s wrong which I know I will regret as soon as my brain begins to work again. I quickly make my way out of the class. Luckily the next classes in this building have already started and I don’t run into anybody as I make my way out. It’s not until I make it through the thick brush at the entrance of the dense spinney behind the building that I let myself completely break. I fall to my knees from the convulsions due to the panic that had completely taken ahold at this point. I still have enough of a mind to keep a hand over my mouth just incase one of the classes inside has a window open. My breathing becomes more and more labored and  there is nothing that I can do to stop it or the deluge of tears pouring from my eyes. I feel like I’m going to die, I can’t even breathe. 

 

**Why would that be such a bad thing exactly?**

 

  _No. I can’t I can’t I can’t._

 

I fall to my side in the damp leaves and bring my knees to my chest. There’s nothing I can do now. 

 

_I let another person find out. Except this time it was worse, much, much worse. I can’t fix this. There’s nothing that I can do. I am the biggest failure in the world. Why didn’t I just pay attention in class today. None of this would have happened if I hadn’t fucked up so bad. All I ever do is fuck up._

 

_..._

 

It takes a while for me to calm down, then longer for me to be able to look okay enough to not  attract attention to myself on the way back to my rooms. I still have to get ready to go into Zurich, it will just take a little longer than it would have before. It’s 12:48. James gets out of his last class at 13:30 so I don’t have much time to become presentable. 

 

Once I get to our rooms I drop my bag and make a straight shot to the washroom where I turn on the shower. I don’t step in yet though. I fill the sink basin with ice cold water and just dunk my face into it for as long as I can hold my breath. I do that 6 times till I’m sure that the puffy-redness has gone from my features then I get into the shower. The only thinks I want to do write now are sleep, drink, smoke, or add my scars to my destroyed skin. But I can’t do any of those things because Remus is knocking on the washroom door telling me that we have to leave for the station in ten minutes. 

 

_That’s right, I still haven’t talked to Remus yet since yesterday. After what happened it feels like a month has gone by._

 

I turn off the water, dry off, grab my dressing gown, take a few deep breaths, put on a smile and walk out into the kitchen/living area to find Remus lounging on the sofa with a book perched in his lap. 

 

“Hey man! You ready to head out?” I ask him as he looks up from his book. 

 

“Hey, more than you are it looks like. Will you be ready in time?”

 

“How long do I have?” I ask. 

 

He consults the watch loosely hanging from his clean wrist, “about 4 minutes.”

 

“Well shit, I better get in gear then. Be right out!” I make my way into my room  and close the door. 

 

I dress quickly, making sure I don’t forget my tall fingerless gloves, can’t have a repeat of earlier, and a light jacket. I pull on my shoes and head out again. 

 

“How do I look?” I say as I give a small spin. 

 

“Like a wet dog," he says, barely glancing up from his book. 

 

“Oh, ouch man. Not cool.” 

 

Without looking up still he dryly says, "I should call you Padfoot." He moves his book up trying to cover the smile creeping onto his face. His attempts at dry, nonchalant humour are quite entertaining and it takes all I have not to burst out laughing on the spot. It's a wonder that even with everything going on in my head he can make me want to really smile. But if he wants to play the exaggerated humour card then I can throw the same thing right back at him. 

 

"'Padfoot'?" I say putting my hand on my hips trying to look as sassy as I can, "and where, oh great and powerful nickname giver, did you come up with that absolutely glorious idea?"

 

"Well, Padfoot, you look like a dog, dogs have pads on their feet, hence Padfoot. It's really not that hard to understand." He gives a shrug and turns a page. He's getting good at this. 

 

"Fine then. If you get to name me, the I get to name you," I see him slightly raise an eyebrow and glance up as I try to think of a name. 

 

He sets he book on the back of the sofa and folds his hands on his lap, "I'm still waiting for your genius response."

 

"I've got it!! Moony. You're always out on the balcony staring at the moon, it's perfect. Your new name, my friend, is Moony," I say with a triumphant grin. In all honesty I think that's quite a good name for him. I keep the fact that he's also beautiful and special just like the moon to myself though. 

 

He finally breaks and gives a giggle, thats right, a giggle.

 

"You know, that's actually not bad. I think I can live with that one Pads," he grins at me and I feel my heart involuntarily speed up. “So are you ready to go then?” He picks up his book and swings his legs off the sofa. 

 

“Nearly,” I go over to my bag and rummage though it for a second till I find my sunglasses, phone, wallet, and chapstick. I dump the rest of the contents into a canvas bag nearby and put the items I took out back in. “Now I’m ready.”

 

“That’s good, we have a whole of,” he looks at his watch again, “23 seconds to spare. Impressive.”

 

I take a exaggerated bow then hold the door open for Remus, “Madam Moonbeam.” 

 

Remus laughs as he picks up his bag and walks out the door ahead of me. "Watch it Pads, I'm not too sure about that one," he adds jokingly. I laugh and follow him out the door. 

 

I am a bit lost in my mind the entire way to the station thinking about what could come out of what happened today. Remus doesn't seem to notice though since he is so enthralled with whatever book he's reading. He actually nearly fall flat on his face a couple of times. It's okay that he isn't paying attention, it gives me a little time to think before we all get together. In all honesty, I don't really know what to do. All I know is that I need to keep it together and figure out exactly how to make Professor Alarcon forget about this what he saw. I can't seem to think of a way to do that just yet though. 

 

I see Remus put his book away as we reach the station so I pull myself out of my thoughts and into the present. James and Peter are already waiting for us at the platform and the train is just about to leave so Remus and I jog to catch it. What happened today has to be put in the past. Now I'm going to my favourite city with my best friends for the afternoon, it's the perfect distraction for my troubled mind. 

 

 

*** ******* ***

[Boy Epic-Wicked (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6dr3yJ9HA7Q)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6dr3yJ9HA7Q)

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again! I hope that you enjoyed the chapter. I figured that I should try to get a little of what Sirius is going through in the open, there is more to come though. Oh, I wanted to possibly clear something up, Sirius isn't hearing voices, just his own thoughts. The ones in bold are the ones he didn't wish he had and the others are the side of him that is trying to hold things together, I just thought I should clarify that just in case. Again, a lot of the stuff in this story is based off of some of the experiences I have had and if any of you need to talk to someone please feel free to reach out to me. I would love to help anybody that needs it because I know what it's like to have nobody. 
> 
> On a happier note, please let me know what you think! Any criticism is very welcome, I'm always interested in where I can improve. The next chapter will be a bit more lighthearted, I'm going to have it follow their shenanigans through the afternoon in the city so hopefully that will be a little bit humorous. 
> 
> By the way, you should totally check out Boy Epic, he has some absolutely amazing music(I even have a tattoo based off one of his songs!) I put the link at the end of the chapter! Let me know what you think of it if you give it a listen!
> 
> Thank you for reading and I hope that you are all well!


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